You’ve cried. You’ve consumed more pints of ice cream than anyone with a slight dairy allergy should. You’ve watched Sex and the City, the movie, seven times, but only until Mr. Big leaves Carrie at the altar, er, the New York library. You’ve empathized with her complete emotional demolishment while she has a weird piece of bird jewelry on her head. You’ve fully mastered the art of sleeping in the center of the bed, but you still haven’t done your laundry because you know there are three of his shirts in there — lingering at the bottom of your clothes hamper, scented with cigarettes and stale coffee.
He wasn’t your great love, or your soul mate, but he broke your heart. You loved him, you lost him, or he lost you. Either way your roommate is tired of spooning you. Your friends are ready for you to talk about something other than his chest hair that you found woven into your favorite sweater. It’s time to start dating again. This is how you do it.
1. Let it go.
I know. He was a liar. I know. He had serious issues. I know. Your friends know. Strangers know. Your grandmother with the Facebook also knows. Consider your anger a leash that’s potentially keeping you from meeting a partner who may believe in eating corn dogs in bed. It’s time to let it go. Spill some Cheetos and stomp on them, write the meanest letter you’ve ever written, and don’t send it, and then let it go.
2. Stop social media stalking!
Has anything extraordinary ever occurred after looking at your ex’s Facebook at 3:03am, post drunken pizza consumption? Has it? Never. That’s the habit you’ve got to stop — cold turkey. (The Facebook and Instagram, stalking.) Not the drunken pizza consumption.
This means doing anything that makes you feel extraordinary, and includes but is not limited to: red lipstick, eating a lot of corndogs, shaving your legs for the first time in a month, buying new underwear because your Tuesday panties with the hole in the crotch isn’t counting as crotch-less panties.
4. Let your guy friends be guy friends (and don’t kiss them).
It seems like a grand idea, after all. They know you, and you know them. They’ve probably provided emotional support to you during your break-up, and they probably have a beard you admire. It’s important to remember that this man is your friend for a reason, and that reason is not to be your rebound or emotional tampon. (Friendsgiving wouldn’t ever be the same.)
5. Be Okay with OkCupid.
It’s the easiest way to meet someone in an hour, or in the next day, really. Yes, there are some aspects of a person that you can’t grasp until you’ve met them face-to-face, but you can probably make conversation with anyone for an hour and you might even like kissing them.
6. Go on the Date (actually go).
This means no cancelling, no flaking, actually blow-drying your hair so as not to appear like a wet dog upon first meeting. Not eating pizza for dinner. We don’t want flatulent to take his breath away, okay? Yes, it sucks to be on your best behavior after you’ve been accustomed to watching Friends with your ex-boyfriend (with your bottom retainer in) for months and months, but this is your new reality.
7. Make out on your bedroom floor.
Like all over it. Roll around in the dust bunnies or something. You would have never made out on your bedroom floor with your serious boyfriend. You would have placed pillows gently on the floor like a married couple before gingerly pulling back the sheets while nagging one another about something. And isn’t nice to discover that your ex wasn’t that great of a kisser after all?
8. Don’t panic when something awkward occurs.
Perhaps your date was kissing your ear and your favorite earring accidentally ended up in his mouth. Don’t fret, unless he swallows it…
9. Smoke cigarettes with party hats on the balcony.
Or in your underwear. Or reveal your hidden (or not so hidden) neurosis and insomnia, because who cares, there are no rules. You’re dating again and that’s the victory. And an event that deserves party hats.
10. Maybe don’t introduce him to your best friends the next morning.
Sure, it’s not your fault the day after your dating excursion is the fourth of July. Just because your best friends are residing in your living room, waiting for you to get it together so you can celebrate America, you shouldn’t bring them into your room and introduce your date that’s still tucked in bed.