It disheartens me to admit this, but the following are nonfiction accounts, both of friends and my own, of ways to really freak guys out. They may have been committed with favorable intentions, but the outcome of each involved a male ending up thoroughly disturbed. I can’t conceptualize the workings of the male mind, and although these actions seemed like the best way to communicate at the time, they irrevocably translated to the traumatization of a few men. If you have a guy in mind that you need to get rid of, here are five ways to freak him out:
1. Send him a teary Tupperware text.
Text the guy that has gradually faded you out of his life a photograph of something he has left at your house. After making pizza together and a few weeknight sleepovers, there is most likely something of his residing in your home. This works particularly well with objects such as Tupperware, where you can directly draw a sad face with tears on the slightly olive oiled exterior. He may even text you back and note that he was thinking about you when he got STD tested last week.
2. Write him a birthday poem involving vaginas.
More specifically, write him a poem for his birthday about coming out of his mother’s vagina, after you have known him for only two days. The idea of this is alarming enough, but with lines like, “Twenty-six years ago you crawled out of one/and if you remembered you may have found it quite fun,” any decent human being would question your sanity.
3. Confess your feelings for him via a mock Anderson Cooper interview.
After he tells you that you’re not open enough, that he doesn’t feel like he’s getting anything back from him, you can unabashedly assert your feelings to Anderson Cooper in a four and half page interview. You know, just so you two are on the same page. You can’t really make the leap from three word text messages to four page confessions without scarring this sucker.
4. Invite yourself to his dinner party.
When a guy casually mentions a party at his house after you inquire about his evening plans, this is not an invitation. If you decide that it is and you show up anyways, you will walk into an intimate dinner party for his closest friends. Moments later you’ll be sitting on his well-upholstered couch talking to his sister about how you know Dan. Tinder is not an acceptable answer.
5. Send him a formal invitation for sexual intercourse.
Sometimes there is an undeniable and purely physical attraction to a person that is equally shared. This is a guy you can certainly spend hours in bed with, but who makes getting bagels less fun than getting blood drawn. I may be overgeneralizing here, but this man is uncomplicated in a way that a clever, formal invitation for anything is completely unnecessary.
Invitation Inquiries can include: Dear (fill in the blank), Please accept my formal invitation for sexual intercourse. The desired date for the event is Friday, April 19th. Your formal attire shall consist of your pubic hair and little else. Please bring your best and truest doggy style skills. In lieu of gifts, only orgasms will be accepted. Please RSVP, by email, Facebook, Snapchat or a pornographic photography.