After two years as a resident of San Francisco, one serious relationship, and a dozen-ish fernet-fueled make-outs in dive bars throughout this 7 by 7 span of expensive earth, I have been there and I have done that. And after circumstantially created dates as cause of Tinder, OkCupid, Grouper and Hinge, I have done even that. The complicated species that is San Francisco man falls into five distinct archetypes. (Although it is rude to overgeneralize, my observations and scientifically calculated data boasts extensive evidence that props these patterns).
1. The Urban Lumberjack
Appearance: Skinny jeans, bearded cheeks, flannel-ed, and donning glasses that your grandfather and/or creepy Uncle Phil owns.
Likely Living Location: Lower Haight/Nopa
Behaviors Include: Guitar strumming on headboard-less beds, bike rides to beer gardens, coffee shop loitering, bike shop reconnoitering, and bookstore and underground record gourd frequenting. He Instagrams weekly urban hikes with his bike in the foreground, scoffs at $4 specialty toast, but regularly receives $70 haircuts.
How to woo him: Must own bike, should wear glasses that look like your grandmothers and/or suspicious Aunt Margaret’s, it is suggested you abandon cable and all reminders of it and ask yourself before every rummage in your coffin sized closet WWZDW (what would Zooey Deschanel wear).
2. The Honorary Homosexual
Appearance: Three-unbuttoned buttons, perfectly pressed collared shirt, an ass toned from Salsa dancing classes, and hair that has seen eight strokes of a comb before leaving home for corner store coffee. (Kidding, this man doesn’t drink corner store coffee). Eyebrows are also trimmed with scissors specifically made and ordered for that purpose.
Likely Living Location: Hayes Valley
Behaviors Include: Attending organized vinyl exchanges, defending Lena Dunham’s display of nudity during Girl’s marathons, candle making, snuggling until the seventh date and giving serious fucks about Oxford commas.
How to woo: Be young, but only like old things, read E.E. Cummings before bed, craft while listening to Japanese Death poems on tape. Must also own a breed of canine that is your favorite type of drink (example: Greyhound).
3. The Marina Monster
Appearance: Boat shoed, belted, v-necked and chest hair plucked. Beards are present only during Santacon. Hair molded magnificently a la persistence of pomade, this man is partial to pastels and the only sizable style differentiation between this breed lies in chony choice. (In pattern, not cut or brand).
Likely Living Location: The Marina (will claim Cow Hollow)
Behaviors Include: SoulCycling before bottomless mimosas, fraternizes at Fort Mason, referencing Karl the Fog on Instagram indirectly and lingering at the fitting room mirrors at Lululemon for obvious reasons.
How to Woo: Bar method, utilize Groupon to laser off your public hair in a socially bargaining way, pencil in your brows (that’s brows but bros, he does not plan), ask him on a date to froyo after sending him a Spotify song message by Ke$ha.
4. The Brogrammer
Appearance: Top buttoned and floral flooded collard shirts, shoes worth more than your first born due to his salary worth more than your long lost virginity, wooden glasses and VIP music festival passes in pocket.
Likely Living Location: The Mission, with a spill over into the newly trending base of Bernal Heights
Behaviors Include: Describing himself via social media with unnecessarily florid nouns. (Example: pasta aficionado, cheese connoisseur, snorkeling snob). Living in an Airbnb home with his cat. Engaging in hours of video game play for professional research. Is a fan of $4 toast and the Calvins: Calvin Klein, Calvin Harris and Calvin and Hobbes.
How to Woo: Support a strong sense of style on your frame (he views the world in fonts, after all), become an oyster aficionado, coddle his cat, byte him, type detailed, step-by-step instructions of how to give you on orgasm.
5. The Grunge Guru
Appearance: Top man bunn-ed, slightly sunned from his ten day silent retreat in Thailand, has a Burning Man alter ego, wants a pet lamb, has a butterfly tattoo visible through the armpit hole of his free flowing tank top.
Likely Living Location: The Sunset (with 6.5 roommates and a garden)
Behaviors Include: Friday night meditation classes, utilizing institutes with $4 toast for the restroom only, owning a mattress and lamp for furniture only (despite a trust fund), watching Planet Earth with his own, carefully chosen, soundtrack, hosting Tofu Tuesdays and having a best friend named Sunny.
How to Woo: Wear those tights with holes you would normally disown, purchase a duck incubator to hatch your own, abstain from showering (save those fish), and animal eating (it’s murder). Be readily available for spontaneous sports, like weekend mushroom harvesting or blowing bubbles in Dolores Park.