8 Reasons I Don’t Date White Guys

1. White males are statistically wayyyyy more likely to be serial killers. Source.

2. If I go on a beach date with a white guy, I’ll have to stop my sea-frolicking every 30 minutes so he can put on sunscreen. Or worse, I’ll have to help him apply it on his back in those hard-to-reach places. I hate touching people’s backs.

3. My dad is white. I do not have daddy issues.

4. White guys listen to bands like Death Cab for Cutie and Panic! At the Disco and Coldplay and generally music that is sappy and makes me ponder lame shit like, Will anyone ever love me enough to write me a song? And, Would a bunch of dogs be just as good as a husband in the event I can’t don’t find a man? While rap music makes me ponder deep issues such as, How can I make more money? And, How can I fuck more bitches? And, What does Hennessey taste like? (Edit: I tried Hennessey a few weeks ago and it was OK. I’ve still yet to try D’Usse though).

5. Real talk for a second, get a group of white guys together and they will instantly become the douchiest assembly of people on the planet. Example: a group of white guys behind me on line for a Chance concert were openly yelling about how they were “just going to push past a bunch of girls to get to the front ‘cause girls won’t say anything.” Um, I don’t know which girls you know, but Chance is bae and you do NOT get in between me and my bae.

6. White guys say stuff like, “I want to make love.” (Gag). You want to know who wrote “Own It”? Drake’s white half.

FACT.

7. White guys can’t get away with calling you “shawty.” I mean look, I’m 5’2 and I’ve been tiny my whole life. I’ve put in my time. Now I want to reap the benefits, of which being able to be called shawty is one of the few. If  the guy I’m dating can’t even do that, then really what’s the point?

8. White guys invented awkward dancing.  See: my dad. Dancing got me like: Don’t know why I came in this club with you guys, don’t know why I came in with these diamonds on my chain, surrounded by some white boys that don’t even know to dance, is it cause a fella awkward and pasty?

Awkward and Pasty: A Weird Al Migos parody coming to you soon. Copyrighted by me.

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