1. You sort of catch on that the guy you’ve been talking to might have feelings for you, and that freaks you out.
2. Like, you’re filled with a combination of confusion and inexplicable dread. The type of inexplicable dread that just weighs on you, paralyzes you.
3. Being physically intimate with someone is easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. “This guy is going to see me naked? Who gives a fuck?” But if he asks you about your goals, or fears, or god forbid, what you want out of this relationship, your mouth seals shut tighter than a bank vault and you’re all, “uhh…ehhh….mehhh…meep,” because you’ve forgotten what words are, and the best you can utter is an, “I don’t know, like, I, uh…I don’t know.”
4. But that’s only because you, like, don’t really know what you want, but you know what you don’t want, and you could never bring yourself to admit (either in your head or aloud) that you want something serious because in the event you don’t find it, that would be super embarrassing to have to explain to people later on down the road.
5. In an ideal world, you want to find someone who’ll make out with you and also give a shit about your well-being, but the thought of being tied down to one person makes you so uncomfortable you can’t even approach it, you don’t know why, it’s just scary. Like on the same level as ricin poisoning and killer clowns scary.
6. You hook up with an even more emotionally unavailable guy for a while, and after months of him speaking to you in the vaguest manner possible—“I’m just super busy.” “What kind of stuff are you doing?” “Everything.”—you get so frustrated with all the bullshit you can’t see straight. Until you’re forced to take a good, long look in the mirror.
7. When you do finally show emotion, it’s when you and said new guy get back from a night out and you completely, fucking stage 5 DEFCON lose it and start drunk crying in front of him.
8. You start drunk crying because he said something sweet, and that was just like too much.
9. Then you start apologizing profusely for crying because that shit is embarrassing. Fucking whiskey-gingers, why are you giving me emotions? Stop it. Stop it now.
10. This new guy. You might kind of like him, only your first instinct is to run far, far away.
11. You’re going to give it a shot, though. Not because you’re working on your issues, but because your friends have threatened to beat your ass if you don’t.
12. Your blogging gets you into trouble A LOT because people you care about get mad at you when you don’t tell them things that annoy or hurt you and you just tell the internet instead, but like, telling actual people actual things is not your move. “The internet gets me, guys.”
13. When someone starts talking about their feelings, you’re just like, “ew.”