Your twenties are a decade to learn, grow, and make mistakes. Below are the most important lessons I have learned so far.
1. Despite how much they are jiggled in your face like a shake weight, transvestites with prosthetic breasts and penises, will not enjoy you grabbing their breasts for a picture, even if they are working at a transvestite restaurant.
2. Check. Your. Oil. When the lever on your oil gauge moves back and forth from empty to full, your car, also known as Betty, has not come alive and is waving to you through its gadgets. Your car doesn’t have any oil.
3. Always take the free peanuts. You never know when purse snacks will come in handy.
4. Meowing is appropriate 97% of the time. It is not appropriate in pet stores.
5. When in Rome, do a Roman.
6. There are some times when there is no other solution besides chicken nuggets with ranch.
7. Even if there is only one kid left at the daycare you work at, it is not okay to toot. He will tell his father about it when he walks in the door minutes later.
8. You should spend quality time attempting to decipher if a sibling of yours was kidding or not when stating they were going to sell their virginity on Craigslist.
9. While in Egypt, if you see the pyramids in Egypt at sunrise and eat breakfast, accordingly, at 4 a.m., not only will you be famished come 12 noon and forget what the amazing museum you visited is called, but you will also skip the artifacts in lieu of the museum’s “cafe” which has cheeseburgers. Do not eat cheeseburgers in Egypt.
10. If a lesbian grabs your braless nipple, it is not okay, even though she is a woman.
11. A mailman will hand deliver a letter to you and laugh. The envelope will be addressed to Allyson Poop Darling.
12. Being hungover on any sort of ship, boat, or bus ride is not pleasant.
13. Hickeys are never acceptable, and only in the winter can they be fully hidden when scarves are appreciated and acceptable.
14. Contrary to popular belief, you can clog the high water pressure library toilets.
15. Feel free to yell at the kid that pushes EVERY SINGLE BUTTON in the elevator when you had planned on taking a leisurely ride down the clear elevator overlooking San Francisco. Who cares if he is twelve and a half, assholes deserved to be yelled at.
16. Do not hit on men via social media post-2am.
17. Grow your leg hair out to keep your ankles warm.
18. Avoid eye contact with the man selling newspapers on the corner. If you don’t, you will be yelled at for using God’s name in vain.
19. Never wear gray leggings to the gym. With no underwear. Ever.
20. Never kiss a Turkish man in the hopes of receiving free chicken kebabs.
21. Do not sit next to the man on the plane who smells like moldy French fries. After awhile it will kind of smell like farts.
22. When attempting to call your best friend on her work number, make sure your cell phone has not only saved the last three digits of the phone number. If so, you will accidentally call 911 and ask for Kristi.