Now, before I make a complete ass out of myself, I’d like to take the time to apologize for what I’ve just written. After too many beers and far too little common sense, my watching of the Miss America Pageant became much more than a planned Sunday of inactivity. With stupidity at an all time high, I felt the need to support the feminist movement in the wake of the controversy surrounding the newly crowned Miss America which was probably the dumbest thing I could have done.
Nevertheless, I am a man of little dignity and overwhelming self-confidence so I decided to continue down this rabbit hole at full steam…here goes nothing!
Whoa whoa whoa…pump the brakes Rod.
Before you start assuming that this is just a “men versus women” battle royal of odor supremacy, I can assure you it’s not. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. This brief article is the love child of one mans confusion surrounding the attitude associated with female flatulence and the desire to join the Feminist movement.
Although I’m only 25, I consider myself a pretty open-minded contributing member of society, but when I see a self proclaimed “Feminist” I realize my commitment to a cause is nonexistent. Therefore, I decided to fight for women everywhere by addressing the only thing I figure I have in common with the opposite sex. Farting.
I can’t seem to understand why women insist on keeping bodily functions all hush-hush so it must be the manifested oppression of a society run by men. We’ve brainwashed the female population into thinking they don’t fart, and boy am I telling you, the buck stops here as I proclaim no more of this tyranny!
Everyone farts, and you ladies are in the unique position to embrace this universal act in a way that no man ever could. Turn this so-called weakness into a source of strength!
We fellas have no dignity and way too much unwarranted confidence to hide this action and therefore cannot do it justice. So, it is up to you ladies to take back your God given right and elevate farting to its intended state of utter grandeur.
Come on women! The human body is a remarkable biological miracle. You don’t have to consciously keep your heart pumping, suck the nutrients out of food or help do whatever it is the spleen does. Who told you to be embarrassed and dare I say ashamed of a byproduct created by an astounding carbon-based life form?! It was men I tell ya!
Girls, near and far, lend me your ears so I may give back the right’s of the human body – the right’s your body has to smell a little funky after all it has done for you! Embrace your humanity, nay, your femininity and make sure the world knows that when they smelled it, by God, it was a woman who dealt it!
…Good Lord, what was I thinking…