May 5: Labels
This isn’t a terribly original idea, I ‘m afraid, but recent circumstances have caused me to realize how exceptionally convenient it would be if males came with labels.
By labels, I specifically and exactly mean a small stamp on the back of their furry little necks, or measly muscled calves, that summarized, in one word or phrase, the most critical information regarding their personality and/or damaging characteristics (physical and non) to any glimpse of a relationship.
For example, if one of these males was staggeringly, emotionally unavailable in that dating him was like dating a scarecrow, (except exchange the desire for a heart and replace it with a near constant erection) this type of device would be quite valuable.
Contemplating past experiences and interactions with males, (not to be confused with mail men) some warning labels stamped on a wimpy calf that I would have really appreciated are:
Hilarious but hairy
I sleep with only my socks on & let my scrotum run free
I love cats and my virginity (equally)
I will smoke all day and eat all of your roommate’s sprinkled sugar cookies
Let’s break-up over bacon
I’m Italian and I equivalent shoving my tongue into the roof of your mouth to hand shaking
Just call me Plata-penis
I kiss with my retainers in my mouth (top and bottom)
My farts smell like French fries of the moldy variety
I am a Chronic Drunk Dialer & Crier
Not sure if I’m gay or just European…