Wifeable Celebrities: A New Hope

It’s been a rough two years, boys and girls. You see, I finally found out that these girls I loved didn’t love me back, after all. It was a slow, painful realization that the objects of my affection wanted to commit themselves to other men instead of me. Tragic.

Yup, in the last two trips ’round the sun, I had to face facts and realize that I would never marry Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, or Mila Kunis. It was brutal.

First, Natalie – the epitome of class and poise – got knocked up by some Frenchie foo-foo dancer BEFORE SHE WAS MARRIED. Seriously, Natalie? I mistook you for a classy girl, and you broke my heart. And then you married the dude to save face? Yeah, you’re dead to me, Natalie.

Then came Keira. Ah, Keira. The object of 93.6% of my past celebrity fantasies. Shit, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for Keira Knightley – especially when she was wearing that kickass pirate hat. But alas, we were not meant to be. In 2013, Keira married some douchebag musician who I am seriously better looking than. What the hell, Keira? We could’ve been together.

So, it seemed Mila Kunis was my last hope. Mila dated that albino junkie Macaulay Culkin, after all. I had to have a chance! But no, Mila pulled a Natalie fucking Portman and got knocked up by Ashton fucking Kutcher out of wedlock. You feel that, Mila? That’s me hip-checking you off the pedestal you once stood upon, you skank.

Heartbreakers…

There have been many dark days after realizing that it was not meant to be with Natalie, Keira, and Mila. But I finally came out of my dark place and found some solace. How, you ask? By finding new celebrities that are a 10/10 on the wifeability scale!

What does it take for a celebrity to be legitimately wifeable? Well, it’s a complex algorithm based on five factors, ranked from 1-10:

===== The Wifeability Scale =====

Factor 1 – Looks: She must be “girl next door hot.” You know, as opposed to “Megan Fox hot” or “Candace Swanepoel hot” or  “Sasha Grey hot.”

*Perfect historical example: Natalie Portman, circa 2010. 

Factor 2 – Class & Eligibility: She must be unmarried and must possess a womb that has never been subjected to pregnancy or abortion. You must be pretty certain she’s slept with under 50 dudes. Sex tapes = auto-disqualification.

*Perfect historical example: Carrie Underwood, circa 2009.

Factor 3 – Personality: She must have a sparkling personality, and an irresistible charm.

*Perfect historical example: Keira Knightley, circa 2010.

Factor 4 – Talent: She must have something going for her other than JUST looks.

*Perfect historical example: Danica Patrick, circa 2006.

Factor 5 – Intangibles: She must NEVER have dated Justin Bieber, Kanye West, or other douchebags of a similar degree.

*Perfect historical example: Anyone who hasn’t dated a giant D-Bag.

==========

So, which celebrity ladies ended up as my most-wifeable bachelorettes? Here you go…

Perfection: Jennifer Lawrence

Looks: (8 Natalie Portmans)

Jennifer is the girl next door you always dreamed of; she’s cool, she’s hot, she’s funny.

Class & Eligibility: (8 Carrie Underwoods)

With no known pregnancies, abortions, dumpster babies, or sex tapes, J-Law scores high.

Personality: (10 Keira Knightleys)

Is there any celebrity chick you’d like to get a beer with more than Jennifer Lawrence? There is not.

Talent: (9 Danica Patricks)

They don’t give out Academy Awards for participation and effort. Talent.

Intangibles: (-0 Kanye Wests)
If J-Law has dated a confirmed toolbag, she’s done a good job hiding it.

Total Score: 35 points.

I’ll Propose Right Now: Camilla Luddington

Looks: (10 Natalie Portmans)

Okay, I have a weakness for British girls, but Camilla might be the most gorgeous woman alive right now. And she looks like she could live next door.

Class & Eligibility: (8 Carrie Underwoods)

No skeletons in the closet here. No husbands, no fiances, no babies.

Personality: (9 Keira Knightleys)

 
Well, Camilla did the voice for the Tomb Raider video games and on Grey’s Anatomy she plays a badass doctor with bro tendencies. I dare you to watch an episode (YES, STRAIGHT MEN CAN WATCH GREY’S ANATOMY, OKAY!?) and not fall in love.

Talent: (7 Danica Patricks)

Camilla is an up-and-coming actress who’s succeeded in a wide variety of roles. Nowhere to go but up.

Intangibles: (-0 Kanye Wests)
No known associations to the Kanyes and Biebers of the world.

Total Score: 34 Points.

Yes, Please: Emma Watson

Looks: (8 Natalie Portmans)

Did I mention I have a weakness for British girls? Thought so. Emma looks like the hottie you crushed on in high school, too. Just please, Emma, long hair. Not short. Long. Minus 2 points for the questionable haircut.

Class & Eligibility: (9 Carrie Underwoods)

Nothing shady. Can you think of a girl who’s less likely to get preggo before marriage?

Personality: (8 Keira Knightleys)

Emma has all the charm in the world. She would be a blast to spend time with. Fact.

Talent: (9 Danica Patricks)

A fantastic actress, and a graduate of Brown University. While technically not “talent,” we value brains here at Writtalin.

Intangibles: (-0 Kanye Wests)
Emma has steered clear of the world’s noted douchebags.

Total Score: 34 Points.

Beauty and Badassery: Lolo Jones

Looks: (6 Natalie Portmans)

Don’t get me wrong – Lolo is HOT. However, she doesn’t have the “girl next door” look; she has more of the “I’m hot AND I can kick your ass” look.

Class & Eligibility: (10 Carrie Underwoods)

Scandals? Pregnancies? NO WAY. Lolo is waiting ’til marriage. She’s as classy as they come.

Personality: (7 Keira Knightleys)

Lolo seems fun and down-to-earth. The only catch? She’s probably more intense than you. She wears the pants, period.

Talent: (10 Danica Patricks)

Umm, if being a Summer AND Winter Olympian doesn’t make you talented, nothing does. Lolo is a badass.

Intangibles: (-0 Kanye Wests)
Nothing counting against Lolo here.

Total Score: 33 Points.

Almost Perfect: Emmy Rossum

Looks: (9 Natalie Portmans)

If Emmy Rossum isn’t the girl you’d always wished lived next door, nobody is.

Class & Eligibility: (6 Carrie Underwoods)

Emmy is classy and graceful. The only knock here is that she has been married before. But that’s over now, so single men, rejoice!

Personality: (8 Keira Knightleys)

Emmy has a contagious, awesome personality. She would be a blast to spend a day – or the rest of your life – with.

Talent: (8 Danica Patricks)

As versatile as they come, Emmy has earned critical acclaim for her performance as the Christine Daaé in Phantom of the Opera, and as Fiona Gallagher in Showtime’s Shameless. The girl can ACT.

Intangibles: (-0 Kanye Wests)
About the douchiest Emmy has gone is Adam Duritz…and I happen to love the Counting Crows.

Total Score: 33 Points.

So there you have it. Agree? Disagree? Who should have been on this list? Let me know in the comments.

Tags : Beautiful Women, Camilla Luddington, Celebrities, Emma Watson, Emmy Rossum, featured, girls, hot, Hot Girls, Jennifer Lawrence, Keira Knightley, Lolo Jones, Manzone, Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Pop Culture, sexy