Ramblings Category

I’m currently sitting on one of America’s fabulous Amtrak trains. And no, that’s not sarcasm. I think people need to rethink their thoughts on the train. While yes, it may take me an extra hour to get to my destination than if I would have driven, but the leisure time is worth it.   Pros to riding the train: No one rides Amtrak. Therefore, I get an entire row to myself. You can change seats. Smelly person next to you? Move across the car. Screaming child? Move to an entirelyRead More

It was a dark and stormy night…no wait.  It was a fucking hot night.  Sticky as fuck!  I was 25.  Cool as cool can be, obviously.  I was meeting my hot-ass girlfriend’s parents for the first time.  Yep.  Yep.  How ya doing?  Nice to meet you.  Blah blah.  Yea I like school.  Bullshit bullshit.  Where can I put my stuff? I had been holding a mean pizza slash hot wing shit in since my afternoon Astronomy class.  So there I was, upstairs in an unfamiliar house, trying to figure outRead More

Record 9: Glendale, California, Friday July 5th, 2013. Day. For weeks Dax had planned his 4th of July celebration. It was to take place in his new home’s back yard, at approximately 2:00 p.m. He was expecting over 20 guests, mainly colleagues from the printing company he had begun working at a month prior, and whom he had gotten to know over beers and marijuana smoke 2 – 3 times a week. He had been accepted by the clique of nerds almost immediately, it seemed. There was no inquisition asRead More

Record 8: North Hollywood, California, Saturday, July 5th, 2014. Day. Hey man, I’m gonna write you this letter real quick because I have to get back to the warehouse in a few minutes because my dad needs help restocking a buncha breakaway glass. We have to be really careful when we put it up, you know, because it breaks easily and I’ve broken so many of the props before and got grounded for it. That was shitty. My dad made me stay in my room too. He only let meRead More

I’ve been traveling a lot recently. I’ve been visiting friends and going to weddings and generally enjoyed a packed social schedule that has been more hectic than normal. I’m not complaining; it was sweet. The traveling has eaten into my writing schedule though so I’ve been a little M.I.A. here (Sorry Ascher!) Good thing for you though, dear readers, is that traveling stirs the soul and fosters creativity. Some of the great writers in the world found their masterpieces either On the Road (sorry everyone else for that pun) orRead More

Record 7: Palo Alto, CA, Thursday, July 5th, 2012. Day. I’m sitting alone in my apartment, on the Ikea futon. I’m staring into my laptop, typing 1s and 0s like the rest of my 20-something dude friends. This calms me. I lose focus and realize it’s been weeks since Hadley: the girl that no one but me will ever love. She used to sleep next to me with her hands on my waist, her ribcage pressed flat against my back. In the mornings we’d stay in bed and smoke cigarettesRead More

Unless your childhood was a mundane mix of mild manners and perfect parenting you probably read the infamous, Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorsts, somewhere between wetting the bed and fourth grade.  I could delve into details of the prizes his brothers found in their cereal bowls that morning and what Alexander found instead,(nothing), but from the title the underlying nature of the story is apparent.  As adults without bed times and with the ability to buy ourselves a cookie, we at leastRead More

In honor of father’s day this past weekend, I spent some time reflecting on the invaluable lessons you have taught me in a quarter century.  You have owned some version of a beard or a mustache for nearly my whole life, which admittedly and Freudian-ly may be why I am only attracted to men with some sort of facial fur.  You posses the innate ability to tell a joke with such sincerity that you gain instant belief from your victims.  You have never been known to turn down a drink with the onesRead More

I’ve always been the person who thinks that if pictures of your drinks for the night, memorable club snaps, and smoking photos make you happy, go ahead and post them. But I’m not a smoker or a drinker, or even a promiscuous model, so when I was messaged this weekend to take down my picture from Instagram, I was extremely confused. My picture was of a messenger bag. With the HypoPARA Association logo on it. The HypoPARA Assoc. is an association that holds annual conferences and distributes countless amounts ofRead More

Allyson came to visit Kelsey in good old SL,UT for a weekend of sisterly bonding and brawling,  this time sans bearded boyfriends that drive like 80 year old ladies.  What follows is a collaborative account between sisters.   We arrived in Salt Lake at the Howard Johnson Express Inn with low expectations. This was fortunate because our hotel looked like an abandoned building with resident roaches and rodents. The HJ was rough and good-enough, but nothing more if we were to be honest with ourselves. Our first room was streetRead More

Thanks to Instagram and Facebook, we all have “friends” who we aren’t really friends with but who we think we know anyway.  We choose to frown upon or look up to someone based on photos and status-updates.  That girl who only posts pictures of mayonnaise and her cross-eyed cat?   Clearly she’s going to die alone.  We also think we know celebrities.  “Beyonce’s life must be perfect.”  Or, for The Bachelor critics: “Juan Pablo didn’t tell Nikki he loved her on national television so their relationship is doooooomed!”  We presume.Read More

Boarding the flight you already have a good idea of your seat, hopefully you didn’t score the middle. But on a 747 there are not two middle seats, but 6 middle seats. Your chances are high. Find your seat and immediately make your first enemies in the battle for space in the overhead compartment for your carry-on. As the loser, you retreat further toward the back of the plane searching for space. Then, like a salmon swimming upstream, you fight the hoard of people back to your seat, and sit,Read More

I think I finally understand how the Trix Rabbit feels. Earlier today I was peeling a mandarin orange–otherwise known as a Cutie–and I noticed a little sticker that read, “Cuties are for kids!” So, is that a requirement? Are some angry children going to run after me demanding I hand over the Cuties? I find myself asking the same questions that poor rabbit asked regarding his colorful bowl of Trix. Why can’t I have a Cutie? Why do only kids get to indulge in their juicy deliciousness? Little a$$holes, nobodyRead More

Hello, everyone. I’d like to take this time to formally introduce myself to you – yes, you – on the other side of my laptop. My name is Will, and for the sake of my attention span and your sanity, I will conclude any further introductory pretension here. There will be no need for punctilious handshakery or bro-huggery. Our time together will be brief, albeit rewarding, should you find yourself as keen on grammatically particular text and Facebook messages as I am. If you’re not, I implore you not toRead More

Eyes open. Shit.  I’m alive. What now? Can’t I just lay here until I die?  I wish I could do that.  Maybe I could do that? What should I do?  I’m hungry.  Lie back down? Wait. Dog.  Piss.  Let’s go asshole. Unsteady legs underneath me towards the front door. The first shot shoots up my neck. The coldness of the fear envelopes my world. Not again. Wish I was a dog.  Tail fucking wagging.  He isn’t scared. You’re stupid.  Relax. Breathe. Neighbor door opens.  Not going out there.  Wait dog. Read More