All posts by Kelsey Darling

Kelsey Darling is a writer for Writtalin. Kelsey recently-ish graduated with an unhelpful degree from Portland State University. After a brief venture to Utah to live amongst the Mormons, she is now the palest person living in San Diego. She has a deep passion for whales, prominent eyebrows, and silver foxes. She has never been cool and neither has her hair.

Posted On September 12, 2014By Kelsey DarlingIn Dating For Women, Girlzone

My Internet Boyfriend

Let me preface this by saying that I found myself wanting to perform a social experiment that I could write about and somehow I ended up here.  Internet Boyfriend.  Also, for those of you who know the sick and freaky world of the internet, let me tell you I was completely safe and made my boundaries very clear from the start.  Inspired by an unfortunate incident of phone-in-toilet and being a month away from an upgrade (which led to the temporary use of an old non-smart phone), I turned toRead More
Moving back in with your parents isn’t glamorous.  I think we all know that, some better than others.  But that’s where I’m at–in my childhood home, being stretched to the limits with Mama Darling, Papa Darling, my two adult brothers, and me.  It’s like a second childhood, only minus Sister Darling.  With all these people packed into the house, it’s hard to catch any time alone, but when I do…     1. I Drink a Diet Coke First Thing After Waking Up Let’s be real, it’s 11AM anyways andRead More

Posted On September 4, 2014By Kelsey DarlingIn Miscellaneous, Ramblings

Doing Time For My Library Fine

As it happened, I somehow lost my San Diego library card.  This was a personal tragedy on account of I had memorized that sucker of a sequence–all 14 numbers (which is more than some people have memorized pi, I would like to point out)–in order to quickly and easily navigate the wonders of online requesting. Online requesting was the most genius thing the library ever did for lazy people.  I can search through the entire county’s collections online and click a button that tells the librarian to go pick outRead More
My randomly-assigned roommate freshman year wasn’t bad.  The most annoying thing about her was her noisy love for video games and her intense love of cats.  (Also, she collected these weird naked baby figurines).  Besides that, she was just any old person.  The main reason why resentment started to grow between us is because we shared a space, a single room.  After 6 months, we fell into silence forever. Anyway, I’m a journaler.  I loved writing in my journals and I’m sure she saw me scribbling away numerous times intoRead More

Posted On August 26, 2014By Kelsey DarlingIn Lifestyle, Miscellaneous

Things I’ve Learned From Utah

3 months of living at home after college and the misery that accompanies such a mistake nearly devoured my spirit.  I decided on a flimsy whim to move to Utah at the invitation of an old high school friend.  Provo, UT was the strangest choice of pit stops on my post-grad real world adult life beginnings.  Living in one the of the most conservative cities in the U.S. for 9 months, where 98% of the population is Mormon, was certainly different and mostly interesting.  I’d like to think this importantRead More
Bananas are typically a gentle, mellow fruit.  The shell of their sweet meat is a harbinger of peace and tranquility.  Generally harmless, these fruits can exhibit passive signs of aggressiveness (should they be provoked) that, if not taken seriously, could lead to major repercussions for our diet as human beings.  Here are some things to avoid:   1. Separating it from its bunch Bananas are a pack fruit, they hang out in family groups–much like the Brady bunch.  In fact, a group of wild bananas is referred to as aRead More

Posted On August 11, 2014By Kelsey DarlingIn Dating For Women, Girlzone

Why Did You Kiss Me: A Speculation of Motives

I keep a make-out list.  If our lips have ever touched then your name is on it, along with interesting characteristics and goals that I check off as I accomplish them.  I’ve managed to secure Romanian, pre-med, and older gentleman (30+ years old) check marks, but am still seeking redhead, in a wheelchair, and Harrison Ford. Though I keep a record of the Whos and Whats, I’ve never much considered the Whys.  Why did you kiss me?  What follows is my retrospective understanding of the reasoning behind some of theRead More

Posted On July 24, 2014By Kelsey DarlingIn Miscellaneous

The Kind of Stripper I Want to Be

I don’t mind being naked.  And I’m a fairly decent dancer.  I’ve graduated from college and now I’m just waiting for the world to realize how great I am!  In the meantime, it seems I am pretty well-equipped for a certain career. The first thing I’ll need to do is expand my stripper heel collection.  Like, I might actually have to buy a pair.  Only I’d like to work in the kind of place that would encourage the Spice Girls style shoe, more of a platform tennis shoe.  I’m wonderingRead More
Let me start this off by saying not all “nice guys” are the same.  (Though, it’s kind of hard to say that due to the vomit induced by this article). Some are genuinely kind people with full, rich personalities who take responsibility for where they finish in life.  Others are two-dimensional assholes who believe their niceness gives them a certain right to women. There are two major conflicts I have with the offending article.  The first is the concept that nice guys deserve anything–as if just being polite entitles youRead More

Posted On July 18, 2014By Kelsey DarlingIn Miscellaneous

Naked Modeling

My first and only time as a figure model prompted a disapproving, “You’re better than this,” text from my mother with a warning about ruining my reputation.  But it was much classier than that.  It was life modeling.  I was Rose and they were my Jacks, all 7 of them, drawing me like their French girls.     I dropped my towel on the small stage and it  was like a public humiliation dream come true, except I wasn’t embarrassed.  I only got embarrassed when I thought about what wouldRead More

Posted On June 23, 2014By Kelsey DarlingIn Artist Interviews, Music

Artist Insider: Camila Grey of Uh Huh Her

I decided months ago that it was appropriate and ethical to be in my underwear during a phone interview for a potential job. But here I was faced with a new question of ethical dilemmatude: Is it acceptable to conduct a phone interview in my underwear? In the name of all things great and pantless, I decided Yes.  Always and of course.  Basically, it is encouraged. Camila Grey, lead singer and guitarist of Uh Huh Her had a smokey, easy voice that probably would have gotten me out of myRead More

Posted On June 10, 2014By Kelsey DarlingIn Miscellaneous, Ramblings

The Darling Girls Take on Salt Lake

Allyson came to visit Kelsey in good old SL,UT for a weekend of sisterly bonding and brawling,  this time sans bearded boyfriends that drive like 80 year old ladies.  What follows is a collaborative account between sisters.   We arrived in Salt Lake at the Howard Johnson Express Inn with low expectations. This was fortunate because our hotel looked like an abandoned building with resident roaches and rodents. The HJ was rough and good-enough, but nothing more if we were to be honest with ourselves. Our first room was streetRead More
Growing up in the ’90s, it was hard to deny the magic of the Spice Girls.  They taught us about girl power, friendship, platform sneakers, and they made a movie worthy of significant fame and praise that is still played at sleepovers today.  Some of us were even exposed to our first ever tanned male ass via assless silky tuxedo pants in that very film. It was natural for us to emulate such role models on the playground.  Every girl had a Spice Girl she identified with (and if youRead More
When your neutral state has finally surpassed that flat-line contentedness and you find yourself surfing an unexplained wave of happiness–life is good!  You’re in love with breathing and being and even that barely-there whiff of lavender tinted B.O. wafting from your pits (thanks to your new all-natural deodorant) is the smell of heaven itself.  This could very well be how your lazy Sunday begins. And then, to the dismay of anyone who ever had a soul, Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy,” (the anthem to your Sunday,) which has been playing onRead More
1. Are crotchless panties still considered sexy if it’s due to wear n tear? 2. Are we human or are we dancer? 3. Why does diet coke make me feel more human? 4. Is it pathetic, weird, or thrifty to buy some of your bras from the little girl’s section as an adult? 5. Why is puberty part of God’s plan for us? 6. How often does the President have sex? 7. Which President was the most sexually active? (Clinton joke lurking here.) 8. What was the last thing youRead More